Sunday's game: Seattle Seahawks 23, Houston Texans 20 OT (Reliant Stadium, Houston, TX)
If you asked someone to name the four largest cities in the country, the list would probably look something like this:
1. New York
2. Los Angeles
3. Chicago
4. San Francisco, maybe? Or Philly? No, wait wait, it's definitely DALLAS!
Nope. Would it surprise you that #4 is Houston, Texas? Yup, "H-Town" isn't the fourth-largest city in the country for nothing. Sure, it's hot, and ... well, humid. But between the oil/energy industry, NASA, a booming legal market, and a jaw-dropping medical complex, Houston attracts a ton of smart people. Most of are them young professionals who come for the work and stay for the barbecue, the cheap housing prices, the weekend trips to Austin and San Antonio, and the world-class Texas talent (and no, I'm not talking about Dwight Howard, although he may be a fan of the talent too).
Some people in Houston, however, are not so smart. As Exhibit A, I offer you this:
How many idiotic Houston Texans fans can you spot in that clip? I count at least four:
1. The guy who thinks that a simple Bic lighter is going to set a $200 authentic jersey on fire. I'm guessing your average industrial dryer gets hotter than that.
2. The chick who thinks that throwing a receipt on top of the jersey is going to help (1:19). I'm not an Eagle Scout or anything, but maybe go help the guy looking for lighter fluid instead?
3. The two disgusting midriffs at 1:57 (male) and 2:12 (female). Guzzling your 9th Bud Light isn't complete without a shirt-wipe to make sure the rest of that beer doesn't dribble down on that flimsy $5 Walmart jersey.
4. The other chick (around 1:57) in the all-blue Andre Johnson fem-fitting T-shirt, tight jeans/leggings, and those massive sandal-heels. Dwight Howard has seen women at the, um, nightclub with shorter shoes than that. Not the best choice for a football game (unless you have another job to go to afterwards).
Oh, how about #1 again: the guy who took two hundred dollars and (almost) literally set it on fire. Don't get me wrong ... burning a jersey has its purposes. If you're a fan of Aaron Hernandez, Michael Vick, or someone more atrocious like Yadier Molina or Carlos Beltran (did you forget it's almost October and I'm a Braves fan?), burn baby burn. Who buys a jersey on the street and burns it immediately? Apparently, this guy.
Don't think that Houston is alone for its share of dumb NFL fans. If you've ever seen the tailgate scene in Philly, Dallas or Boston, I'm pretty sure you already knew that. As a whole, NFL fans often seem drunker, dumber, and more violent than college football fans. Why is this? At its core, it's the same sport: players getting paid -- sorry, NCAA -- to smash each other in the mouth and get closer and closer to that elusive goalline (if you're the Jaguars, VERY elusive). Yet you don't hear any stories about Alabama fans booing Santa Claus, as the Eagles fans famously did. There are never brawls at the Clemson-South Carolina or Ole Miss-Mississippi State games (well, except on the field), like there were at this year's PRE-season Jets-Giants matchup. No matter what incidents you point to, it's pretty clear that there is way more fan-related violence on Sunday than on Saturday.
Before speculating as to the cause of this, let's debunk a few popular theories:
1. NFL fans are too drunk because they serve beer at the stadium.
Have you ever BEEN to a college tailgate? My friend Pete and I, along with his girlfriend Molly, went to Oxford last year for the Vandy-Ole Miss game. Before the game, we went to the liquor store and picked up a case of Bud Light and a fifth of Maker's to make it through three hours at The Grove -- Ole Miss' legendary tent-laden holy land of tailgating. Among the three of us, we were able to put away every drop of alcohol we bought, even if some of it had to enter Vaught-Hemingway Stadium tucked behind our belt buckles (if you don't know what I'm talking about, you've never been to an SEC game).
We were there for THREE hours. You do the math on how much we took in and how drunk we got. Now think about the majority of the fans in The Grove for that 7:00 kickoff that had been there anywhere from 8 to 12 total hours. Whether they entered the stadium (unlikely in most cases) or actually survived until kickoff, I don't remember any Vandy-Ole Miss fan fights going down in the stands or under any tents. Yet the alcohol sales in Oxford that day were enough to resurrect Jack Daniels himself from the grave.
NFL fans, on average, tailgate for about 2-3 hours. If your game starts at 12 or 1 (depending on what time zone you're in), it's unlikely that the parking lots are even open more than 3-4 hours beforehand. This is plenty of time for many people to get drunk, but it's no contest compared to the average college tailgate scene.
Once you're inside the stadium, how many beers can you afford (both physically and financially) to drink? Maybe 3? 4? That's a lot, but by itself it's not going to bring the average man to start throwing haymakers. The stadium isn't getting people drunk. If anything, it's the tailgate that's doing the dirty booze work -- but again, not like The Grove.
2. People in the Northeast are meaner than people from the South or West.
Well, that's true. But not all NFL games are played in the Northeast, and not all college football games are played in the South and West. You don't see any fights at a BC or Rutgers game, but boy do those 49ers and Raiders fans know how to throw down. They can't even play in the preseason anymore because of a 2011 incident in which two people were shot (the same article links to another Raiders fan fight as well as Ravens and Redskins fans going at it in separate incidents). Perhaps, you think, this is limited to insane Raiders fans and people from New York, Philly, and Baltimore. Perhaps you'd be wrong. Even Cowboys fans are now getting in on the act -- two beer bottles were cracked over some dude in a Witten jersey's head in the Qualcomm Stadium parking lot yesterday.
Then again, anyone who might have been attacked at the recent Vandy-UMass game in Foxboro could have just relocated to ... anywhere else in the stadium:
3. NFL fans are more passionate than college fans.
To a certain degree, that could be true. For some people, football is all there is. Having nothing in life to look forward to other than the weekly Eagles/Browns/Vikings loss can certainly drive someone to dread that weekly walk up the stairs from Mom's basement to the 20" 1985-style box television. But passion is the wrong word -- college football fans have as much passion and tradition as any NFL team, old or new. The heart of the problem is deeper than passion.
So what is the cause of all this? What factors drive you to go straight to Deadspin every Sunday night (as I do) looking for the latest crazy parking lot fight video? It's hard to find anything resembling HARD DATA for this kind of stuff, so don't ask me for any "proof." But here are a few theories I have based on actually attending games, observing fan behavior, and watching those hilarious videos (in increasing order):
1. Saturday is way more fun than Sunday.
Let's be honest, how many weeks do you dread Sunday Night Football because you know it's the last time you'll get to watch football before having to go back to work/school? Raise your hand if you spent your late Sunday afternoons in law school with your Corporations book on one side of the desk and RedZone mobile on the other.
/raises hand...
Saturdays are awesome. College students go back to frat houses for more tailgating after the games. Wanna-still-be-a-student alumni go across the street to the campus bars and relive their glory days while watching the rest of the Saturday games. No one has to wake up the next day, except to chase the hair of the dog with a bloody mary and to make sure you set your fantasy lineups 5 minutes before the early games kick off.
Sundays suck. So I don't blame your average NFL fan for showing up at the stadium already pissed off that he has to go back to work tomorrow. Unless he doesn't have a job, in which case he's pissed that he made the terrible life decision to spend all of his 500-square-foot-apartment-in-South-Boston rent money on Patriots tickets.
2. NFL fans are less likely to bring their wife/girlfriend/kids to a game than college fans.
College games are happy affairs (see #1). Everyone dresses up. In the South, women get together and plan these tailgates like freaking Kennedy dinner parties. There's pulled pork, brisket, chicken, creamed corn, baked beans, homemade potato salad, sweeeeet tea, and a tablecloth to make sure nothing gets spilled on your fancy $100 card table. Kids get together and learn how to throw a perfect spiral for the first time. Somewhere, Archie Manning watches over everything and sheds a small tear.
NFL games are an excuse for "the boys" to get together. Don't get me wrong -- my wife actually had a great time at the Texans' game yesterday. You'll see a lot of couples go to NFL games together. But many of the men are miserable because (see #1) they have to work the next day and, chances are, your wife isn't going to want to talk to you about your fantasy team for 5 straight hours. So why not get away and drink a few extra beers with your boys in the parking lot instead of spending your last day off with the missus?
Guess which fan is more likely to let a small incident escalate into a bottle-smashing brouhaha... the bowtie-and-khaki-clad lawyer from Buckhead sipping on a glass of Knob Creek with his kids nearby, or the gas station manager from Sewanee wearing a 10-year-old Keith Brooking jersey and working on his 6th Natty Ice?
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| Longhorns fans aren't getting into fights after the game. They've got better things to do. |
3. NFL fans are dumber and less educated than college fans.
You might think this is obvious, since "college" by definition implies that someone actually went to and (maybe) graduated from the school for which they cheer. However, you might not have met the 19-year-old at Mugshots Grill & Bar in Tuscaloosa that waited on my dad and me while we stayed overnight en route to Starkville in 2008. This kid may only be taking "a few classes" at the nearby community college, but he knew more about Alabama recruits than Saban himself. It was a little scary that he felt the need to explain the details of a 16-year-old's "thigh muscles" to a couple of strangers...
Not every Alabama football fan went to Alabama. Not every Kentucky basketball fan went to Kentucky. Not every Stanford fan... whoops, take that one back. The point is, average GED-Joe in Opp or Enterprise or Opelika needs someone to root for, even if he couldn't get into the University of Alabama (or even figure out how to apply). He may not have "book smarts," but doggone he's going to make up for it by memorizing everything about every Tide recruit in every database his Mom's internet connection can find.
But NFL fans are a different breed of dumb. MANY Atlanta Falcons "fans" continue to believe that Michael Vick is still the son of God, continue to wear his jerseys to the games, and continue to blindly insult anyone who speaks otherwise (if you don't believe me on this, spend one game in the Georgia Dome upper deck). Steelers fans continue to wave penalty flag-towels that look like dishrags covered in mustard. Texans fans buy $200 jerseys for the sole purpose of burning them. 31% of the American population has a bachelor's degree, but in the nosebleed section of an NFL stadium, 31 is more like the average IQ.
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| Goodell's latest "policy" isn't safety-driven at all. All he feels are his league's pockets getting deeper as these clear bags fly off the shelves. |
Hook 'em Horns, Gig 'em, it doesn't matter. Just get me back on campus.
NFL Count: 4/32; Total Count: 53/592
--The Road to 592 is a pipe dream started by a diehard Atlanta fan with a sparse history of truly great sports atmospheres (being Atlanta and all). Read up on my unending pursuit here and check out the full list of venues here. For those sick of conference realignment, you can also relish in another pipe dream of mine -- the 28-team SEC. Follow me on Twitter @andrewhard592.
