Saturday, December 29, 2012

The Night That "Same Old Vandy" Died: One Fan's Chronology of the Commodore Roller Coaster

By Andrew Hard



September 4, 2004: My first Vanderbilt football game as a freshman. The student body is quite small -- about 7,000 undergraduates -- so there is plenty of time for all 1,800 or so freshmen to run through the tunnel, past the inflatable helmet, and across Dudley Field. I know nothing of Vanderbilt football to this point, just a lowly first-year aimlessly meandering from one yard line to the next, wondering why hordes of my peers are wearing our oversized matching gold t-shirt over top of sun dresses and bowties (why would they dress like that for a football game?). As I scan up at the less-than-sellout crowd at Vanderbilt Stadium, one thing immediately strikes me -- there is too much South Carolina maroon in this place. From the start of our horseshoe-design all the way to the 50-yard line ... you'd think you were smack-dab in the middle of Columbia.

Little did I know what I was getting into when I made that long walk from the north end zone to the very top of the student section. "Wait, they already scored?", someone asks when we finally reach the stands about 7 minutes into the game. Yup, South Carolina had taken the opening kickoff and driven right down the field for a touchdown. Welcome to Vanderbilt football.

October 9, 2004: To those who were there, it is known simply as "The Rutgers Game." Vanderbilt had just beaten Mississippi State for its first SEC home win since World War II -- or at least that's what the seniors were telling me. We actually had a chance to win 2 straight? When Jay Cutler throws a 27-yard TD pass to Erik Davis on the opening drive of the third quarter, Vanderbilt is up 27-3. Could this finally be the turnaround, the upperclassmen ask? Could third-year coach Bobby Johnson actually be the savior this program needed?

There's a phrase that James Franklin hates, even more than a reporter asking him who the 'Dores are playing next week: "Same Old Vandy." This game was my first indoctrination into exactly what is the "Same Old Vandy" -- the week-after-week invention of new ways to lose, the expectation in the crowd that defeat will be imminently snatched from the jaws of victory. In just 25 minutes, Rutgers ripped off a 34-7 run, taking a three-point lead with under a minute to play. Of course, from his own 20-yard line, Jay Cutler then heaves one downfield on the next drive, a cannon of a pass that is miraculously caught somewhere near the Rutgers 20-yard line. It would have set up a game-tying field goal attempt.

Of course, Cutler is called for being over the line of scrimmage when he threw the pass, a flag that is thrown well after the pass is caught and is blatantly contradicted by the jumbotron replay (of course, we probably would have missed the field goal anyway). Same Old Vandy indeed.

November 5, 2005: After starting 4-0 in Cutler's senior year, Vandy dropped four straight (including a home game to MTSU when the Blue Raiders blocked a last-second field goal that would have won it) and came into the Swamp needing to win 2 of 3 to become bowl eligible for the first time since 1982. Down 35-21 in the fourth quarter, Cutler worked magic. A touchdown pass to George Smith gets it within 7. Onside kick, Cutler again, a touchdown pass to Earl Bennett with under a minute left!

We're gonna go for two, right? We've GOT to go for two! Bobby Johnson wants to go for two, Cutler wants to go for two -- but the refs don't. Bennett gets called for excessive celebration on the touchdown for what I would term a "mild hip gyration." No ball thrown into the air Jake Locker-style, no strutting into the end zone Brad Wing-style, no pig pile coordinated team celebration like the '99 Rams. Just a college kid happy to score the biggest touchdown of his life.

Cutler throws a pick on the first play of double overtime. The Gators avoid what would have been the biggest Vandy win in decades and their first in Gainesville since 1945. Slightly buzzed and severely disheartened, I lose it when an unsuspecting freshman girl in the room sees Chris Leak being interviewed after the game. When she remarks, "he has such pretty eyes," I shoot back:

"DON'T EVER SAY SHIT LIKE THAT AGAIN."

(Yup, it's my sophomore year, and Vandy fandom is already taking its toll)

October 14, 2006: It's the first game between the hedges for Chris Nickson -- Jay Cutler's replacement, a quarterback who started his college career with games at Michigan and Alabama. Welcome to big-boy football. Today, Nickson makes everyone forget about Cutler, throwing for 190 yards and 2 TDs en route to a shocking 24-22 upset of Georgia at Sanford Stadium. Bryant Hahnfeldt kicks the game-winning field goal with two seconds left, and I hug the mascot and drop to my knees on the sideline (I was covering the game for our school paper).

A win at Georgia is a big deal for most teams. For me, and doubtless for all of the 300-or-so-it-seemed Vandy fans in the crowd that day, this win felt like so much more -- a sign that we could compete with the big boys, a sign that Vandy was no longer the 'Dore mat of the SEC, a sign that since I'd been there, things had really turned around, and goddamnit I was gonna be a part of the best Vanderbilt football run in school history. This was the spark that was going to turn the entire ship around, and no red, orange, blue, or maroon clad fan could tell me otherwise.

For one day, it was great to be a Vandy fan.

November 17, 2007: The thing about "Same Old Vandy" is that when that game-losing spark ignites, you know it right away. No matter what brief momentum seems to stop the other team's comeback, you know that it won't be enough to prevent the inevitable landslide to a soul-crushing loss. When this happens against your biggest rival, against a fan base that actually believes that it's better to be a deer-huntin', tobacco-chewin', Natty-guzzlin' redneck than attend a good college, have a good job, and drink quality beer and wine, the loss is doubly soul-crushing (Note: Tennessee fans actually think this way. This rough comparison between Vandy and Tennessee was on the front page of some Knoxville newspaper on the day of this game, with the tagline "You forgot whining vs. winning").

For some reason, I thought it would be a good idea to travel with my dad to Neyland Stadium to see if Vandy could win at Tennessee for the second time in three years, to see if the 'Dores could finally become bowl-eligible my senior year (for the first time in 25 years), to see if the corner that was turned in Athens could keep turning in Knoxville. When Vandy scored with 9 minutes left in the third to go up 24-9, it seemed like it was all worth it. The stadium may have been 99.9% orange, but it felt like the Vandy fans that were there were taking over the place.

Then Broderick Stewart roughed the punter.

24-9 became 24-16, then 24-22, and finally, 25-24. Neyland was jet engine-loud until D.J. Moore brought back the ensuing kickoff to the Tennessee 42. The sphincter of the crowd, orange and black-and-gold alike, collectively tightened. "Could we actually snag back victory from the jaws of defeat?", we asked. "Yur tellin' me we done might actually lose to 'dem rich boyas?", Tennessee fans asked. When Bryant Hahnfeldt's 49-yard field goal attempt traveled not through the uprights, as it had in Athens, but off the left upright and straight to the ground, we had our answer.

Same. Old. Vandy.
Bobby Johnson led Vanderbilt to its first bowl win in 53 years and its first win over Tennessee in 23 years. But he finished his tenure at 29-66, a winning percentage of .305. And he was a dead ringer for Steve Martin.
October 11, 2008: After starting 5-0 to begin the 2008 season, Vandy rolls into Starkville ranked No. 13 in the country, its highest since 1956. Naturally, I made the 5-hour drive from Atlanta to see if Vandy can extend perfection. In a sea of cowbells, chewing tobacco, and putrid offense, I watch the beginning of the end of what could have been a truly remarkable season. It took until game #6, but Same Old Vandy was back, dropping this one to 1-4 Mississippi State and looking nothing like the comeback kids that took out Auburn on national television the previous week.

With a 6-6 record, Vandy made (and won) the Music City Bowl in 2008, its first bowl appearance since 1982 and its first bowl win since 1955. But after that 5-0 start, the Commodores went 6-26 in their next 32 games. Even in mild success, Vandy found its way into more prolonged failure: Larry Smith, a freshman who started that bowl game, was Vandy's starting quarterback through most of 2009 and 2010, amassing a 47% completion percentage, 16 total TDs and 12 INTs in those years. Smith was so bad, I'm pretty sure we started the "Jor-dan Rod-gers" chants while he was still in high school.

November 6, 2010: Just 22 months removed from that Music City Bowl victory, the Commodores hit rock bottom. I'm not sure what my lasting memory is from the Robbie Caldwell era -- that he spent his SEC Media Days press conference talking about his days on a farm in South Carolina inseminating turkeys, that he brought to every press conference a Southern drawl reminiscent of 1860s Charleston, or that I almost gave up on Vanderbilt football after a second straight 2-10 season in which the Commodores were outscored by an average of 27 points in their 7 SEC losses.

I left Vanderbilt Stadium at the end of the second quarter with the Gators ahead 41-0. The seasoned, hardened Vandy football veteran in me is waning fast as I apologize to the undergrads around me, that they don't know what they're getting into by rooting for this team. I ask one girl how she can continue to root for this team when they're this pathetic.

"I've been a Vandy football fan my whole life," she says. "Why should I give up now?"

I guess 7 years isn't a lifetime, but it had sure felt like it following this team. In that moment, I didn't have her optimism, her blind faith, or perhaps just an unconditional school pride. I was ready to give up.

September 17, 2011: To think, Vandy fans were irate that Gus Malzahn turned down what was rumored to be a $1.5 million head coaching offer in order to remain the offensive coordinator at Auburn. James Franklin was a second choice -- an unknown coordinator from a program (Maryland) that we knew nothing about. "You can't win here," we told him. "For god's sake, it's VANDERBILT football." The same rhetoric from the end of that Florida game, that rock bottom game, crept into my head too: does this guy know what he's getting into?

If someone asks you how many games it takes to turn around a football program as a new head coach -- to get the fans believing, to get the boosters and the athletic department behind you, to get people to really care again -- the answer is three. By the time Vandy finished off Ole Miss by a whopping 30-7 score, I believed again. This wasn't the same belief I had when we beat Georgia in 2006 or when we limped to that 6-6 record in 2008. This guy was really going to take us places, I thought.

6-6 felt good in 2008. But it felt better in 2011. Something was brewing with Coach Franklin...

November 17, 2012: Vandy football is not meant to come with expectations. Expectations of winning, expectations of beating certain rivals, expectations of making bowl games year after year -- these are not things we are trained to believe. Same Old Vandy means that expectations will always be let down. Even a win that seems inevitable in the third quarter will find a way to slip away. Even a team that is clearly more talented than the opposition will find a way to lay a stinkbomb (hell, this even happened to Vandy BASEBALL, who we all KNEW would win the title in 2007). To keep our emotions in check, Vandy fans do not come with expectations -- it lessens the blow when they don't happen as you expected.

This game had many of the symptoms of a Same Old Vandy game. Inferior opponent? Check. Vandy's on a hot streak? Check. Rivalry game? Check, check, check. Devastation should the Commodores blow it? Let's just say that Derek Dooley came into this game 4-18 in SEC play. If Tennessee had won, that means Dooley would have OWNED Vanderbilt -- 3-0 against the 'Dores and 2-18 against everyone else. If we couldn't even beat Tennessee with Dooley at the helm, when would we ever beat them?

And yet, you couldn't find a Vandy fan in the house that night expecting anything but an ass-whooping of the men in orange (and there were a lot of fans -- 65% or so of Vanderbilt Stadium was black and gold, which is roughly 64% more than your average Vandy-UT game). Not only was Vandy more talented; for once, they were better coached, better trained, and better motivated. How could we possibly screw this one up? We all believed in Coach Franklin -- he wouldn't let it happen, right?

At halftime, Vandy held a slim 13-10 lead, and we all sat on those cold, gray bleachers for the most nervous 20 minutes that I can remember. Then the third quarter began. I'm not sure the word "surreal" can completely capture the feeling that comes about when your team drops 28 straight points on your rival, validating everything you believed about that team, your coach, your players, your expectations, your will to carry that team on your back in any way you can. Tennessee, the team that kicked us around for 30 years, that wouldn't even call us little brother because they had "better" rivalries with Alabama and Florida, was down and out. 30 years of frustration was unleashed in one swift 17 1/2 minute span.

Everyone in black and gold stuck around until the bitter end, some crying, some deliriously cheering, some hugging random strangers, but most in shock as to how to react to what they just saw. But no matter how we reacted, we all knew one thing that night: that corner, that one corner we've always been looking for, well we had finally turned it. Vanderbilt football was not only worth rooting for again, it consumed us and gratified us more than it ever had before.

That night, my friends, was the night that Same Old Vandy died.


--The Road to 592 is a pipe dream started by a diehard Atlanta fan with a sparse history of truly great sports atmospheres (being Atlanta and all). Read up on my unending pursuit here and check out the full list of venues here. For those sick of conference realignment, you can also relish in another pipe dream of mine -- the 28-team SECFollow me on Twitter @andrewhhard.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Big Bottom 10, Week 2

By Andrew Hard



This week's special (but brief) Christmas edition of the Big Bottom 10 is brought to you by Sir Charles (Santa) Barkley, a previously big-bottomed man before he got on the weight loss juice. Merry Christmas, everyone!

10. Nebraska Cornhuskers (8-4) (RPI: 65) (Prev: 7)
This week: def. JVST, def. CMU (N), lost @UTEP



A busy week for the Men of Corn almost took them out of the Big Bottom 10 entirely. That is, until they lost at UTEP (by 16) yesterday. UTEP may be turning things around with recent wins over Oregon and these Cornhuskers, but it's pretty damn hard for me to take seriously any team that Vandy beat by 24. Nebraska's record and RPI are pushing them out of these rankings, but a Big 10 slate that starts with Ohio State, Wisconsin, Michigan and Michigan State should be just what the Bottom doctor ordered.

9. Texas Tech Red Raiders (5-4) (RPI: 280) (Prev: NR)
This week: lost ALA, lost AZST



Despite posting the lowest RPI of any eligible team, Texas Tech needed a good three-game losing streak to finally push them into the ranks of the "elite." While home defeats to the hands of Alabama and Arizona State are nothing to be completely ashamed of, to be taken down by McNeese State is another story. A couple of cupcakes to cushion their way into Big 12 play might help the ex-Billy Gillespies pack on the holiday pounds in the win column.

8. Clemson Tigers (7-4) (RPI: 185) (Prev: NR)
This week: lost @CCAR, def. SCST



Clemson is the winner of this week's Sanchez of the Week, given out to the team that threw the biggest stinkbomb imaginable (what, you thought I'd name it after Eli Manning?). Clemson's truly special 23-point loss at Coastal Carolina (RPI: 299) outlasted a host of other terrible losses this week, including ODU over UVA, Colorado State over Virginia Tech by THIRTY-SIX and UNC-Asheville over St. John's (a soon-to-be-ranked Big Bottom 10 team, I'm sure). The Tigers' reprieve? A New Year's Day date with The Citadel, who only ranks 347 out of 347 teams in this week's RPI. A slip-up there would be Sanchezian indeed.

7. Wake Forest Demon Deacons (6-5) (RPI: 204) (Prev: 6)
This week: def. FUR, def. @UNCG



You win, you move up. Simple as that. But there's no extra milk and cookies for beating Nos. 341 and 345 in the RPI.

6. Boston College Eagles (6-5) (RPI: 192) (Prev: 5)
This week: def. PROV



BC outlasted a halfway-decent Providence squad to pick up its first good win of the year (its two other Big-6 wins were over Penn State and Auburn). Will the egg nog hangover be enough to keep them from taking out Holy Cross and Dartmouth this week?

(On second thought ... nahhh).

5. Vanderbilt Commodores (5-5) (RPI: 180) (Prev: 8)
This week: def. CRNL, lost MTSU (N)



The SEC retains its stronghold on the Big Bottom 10 this week, keeping its four from last week's rankings. Vandy showed that in true SEC fashion, a couple of cupcakes (Alabama A&M, Cornell) can't give you enough momentum to be the truly decent teams (MTSU is nothing if not truly decent). At least the 'Dores can hang their Santa hats on the 52 points they mustered against the Blue Raiders, which was a full 19 more than they put up against Marist.

4. Georgia Bulldogs (4-7) (RPI: 258) (Prev: 2)
This week: def. MER, def. USC



It shows you what company Georgia is keeping when these two wins move them up a whole two spots. But Mercer has shown to be a pretty good low-major opponent this year and might even be the A-Sun favorite: wins at Alabama and Florida State coupled with close losses to Wake and Georgia have rounded out a tough non-conference slate that Notre Dame would be proud of. The Dawgs shouldn't lose again until SEC play, when they open as 45.5-point underdogs (projected) at Florida on January 9.

3. Auburn Tigers (5-6) (RPI: 234) (Prev: 3)
This week: def. TNTC, lost WIN



Ah, Winthrop. We all remember when they were good, taking down Notre Dame as an 11-seed in 2007 and always letting us down whenever we picked them to reach the Sweet Sixteen after that. Nowadays, they're the middling Big South team that SEC teams like Auburn love to feast upon ... but how does it feel to shell out six figures AND lose? Winthrop's five wins this year have come against Auburn, Ohio, St. Andrews Presbyterian, Lenoir Rhyne, and Brevard ... did they play a tournament in France or something?

2. Mississippi State Bulldogs (4-6) (RPI: 270) (Prev: 1)
This week: def. UCA (N)



Yes, I know I wrote last week that the Bulldogs' #1 status wouldn't change this week. But good lord, have you seen ...

1. USC Trojans (4-8) (RPI: 157) (Prev: 4)
This week: lost UCI, lost @UGA



I'm really not sure who sets the RPI rankings, but I'm sure Tim Floyd is still paying them. Most bad Big-6 teams start their annual tailspins in conference play. Not the Trojans, who have lost 7 of 8, with the only win coming over the 14th-worst team in the country by RPI. UC-Irvine is supposed to be the Pac-12's version of Winthrop, a nice gift from Santa Claus around the holidays to keep that win total as robust as the goose on your dinner table. In USC's case, Dad already ate half the goose and threw the other half out for the neighborhood coyotes (or in this case, Anteaters).

Dropped from rankings: Penn State, Purdue

--The Road to 592 is a pipe dream started by a diehard Atlanta fan with a sparse history of truly great sports atmospheres (being Atlanta and all). Read up on my unending pursuit here and check out the full list of venues here. For those sick of conference realignment, you can also relish in another pipe dream of mine -- the 28-team SECFollow me on Twitter @andrewhhard.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Bruins, Bisons Lift Nashville

By Andrew Hard

A recap of the two Nashville-area games I attended this week, both won by
Belmont Boulevard-area teams:

Wednesday: Belmont Bruins 76, South Dakota State Jackrabbits 49
(Curb Event Center, Nashville, TN)




Nashville's most hipster-friendly school packs a pretty powerful punch on the hardwood.

When I was a music major at Vanderbilt, I often got mistaken for a Belmont student. Most people, upon hearing about my major, assumed that I was a Belmont student seeking a music business degree and trying to break into the scene that Hayden Panettiere and Connie Britton exploit so well on ABC each Wednesday. Alas, my music talents did not extend at all past the pianos of the Blair School of Music -- and I did not become nearly as successful in the Nashville music scene (read: not at all) as the Belmont students who made their way into the biz.

Besides being the most successful feeder into the Nashville music scene, Belmont also possesses a fair amount of paranormal history. The Belmont Mansion, located on the campus, is said to be haunted by the ghost of Adelicia Acklen, who built the mansion in the 1800s and buried two husbands and at least six children during her time there. Some have speculated that she is searching for her dead children in the mansion; others feel that she is protecting the house in case the school wants to demolish it to build new campus buildings. Regardless, the mansion is a prominent stop on the Nashville Haunted Hearse Tour, which I have had the privilege (and $20) to undertake twice during my time at Vandy. It's a lovely tour, laden with history, scary ghosts, graveyards ... and an ACTUAL OPEN-AIR HEARSE WHERE YOU CAN BRING YOUR OWN BEER AND TELL THE DRIVER TO PLAY THE "GHOSTBUSTERS" THEME ON LOOP! History or not, it's the most fun hour (or three, depending on how many loops of downtown that you can convince the driver to take) that you can have in the Music City.

(The most fun part of this tour: re-enacting the zombie pose from "Thriller" and getting everyone in the hearse to randomly act like a zombie at unsuspecting cars trying to find their way downtown on a Saturday night. Not that I've EVER done this ...)

But in all seriousness -- when Belmont students are not busy wearing their beanies and beards at Fido, PM, Chagos, or Jackson's, they're watching the newly-OVC-joining Bruins kick some serious ass on the basketball court. You may have heard about Belmont when they were in the Atlantic Sun -- the Bruins gave Georgetown a game in the 2007 and 2012 NCAAs and very nearly took down #2 seed Duke in 2008 (before Lehigh actually turned the trick 4 years  later). While they are 0-5 in their NCAA history, the Bruins' 2012 move to the OVC may change that, especially given what I saw on Wednesday night.

While the Belmont crowd was only a Level 1 for a mid-Christmas-break matchup with South Dakota State, the 5,000 seat Curb Event Center figures to get loud for lots of games in Belmont's new conference this season (though, unfortunately, their only game this year with perennial conference power Murray State will take place at Murray on Feb. 7) and could generate some serious Level 3 potential should the Bruins attract big-time non-conference opponents in the near future. The 2,000-plus fans in attendance Wednesday that actually recognized the fortitude of South Dakota State (last year's Summit League champion that took Baylor to the brink in the NCAAs) packed a serious punch that took Belmont over the top in the 2nd half.

While the Bruins led by only 4 entering the 2nd half, guards Trevor Noack and Ian Clark led an 18-0 Belmont run to turn a 37-37 tie into a 55-37 Belmont lead with 8 minutes to play, sealing another important non-conference win for the Bruins' squad. Belmont made no 3s in the first half yet finished the game 7-for-15 from beyond the arc (leading to a busy half for the man attaching velcros "3s" to a Hampton Inn-sponsored balloon near the student section). While Clark is the Bruins' leading scorer, Noack finished the contest leading four Belmont double-figure scorers with 24 points including 2-3 from 3-point land. The Bruins played stout defense (limiting PG Nate Wolters to 4-of-11 shooting for 13 points) controlled the ball well offensively (only 12 TOs), and won the rebounding battle convincingly (42-26) despite lacking a definitive size advantage. South Dakota State may be middling in this year's RPI, but they are a good basketball team. While Belmont may not have a signature win on its resume outside of a Nov. 18 win at Stanford, it certainly looks worthy of a No. 11-12 seed and a serious NCAA threat should it escape Murray to win the OVC Tournament. Its fans should pack a similar punch as its first year in the Ohio Valley goes on.

Tuesday: Lipscomb Bisons 87, Austin Peay Governors 84
(Dunn Center, Clarksville, TN)


Every year, Belmont and Lipscomb play the "Battle of the Boulevard" -- the matchup of the two teams on Belmont Boulevard -- with Belmont usually winning. This year, Belmont pounded Lipscomb twice, winning by a combined 63 points in the teams' two matchups.

But in the "Battle of I-24," Lipscomb extended its dominance over Austin Peay, pulling out an improbable third victory in as many years over the Governors. This night belonged at first to the men of Clarksville, owners of two NCAA wins in their history including a thrilling 3-14 upset of Illinois in the 1987 tournament before a 2nd round overtime loss to Providence (an eventual Final Four team under coach Rick Pitino). The Governors had the crowd, the talent, and the moxie to take down the slower, plodding Bisons -- until Peay freshman phenom Chris Horton picked up a technical foul (at 6:33 of the first half) followed by his fourth personal foul (at 17:16 of the second half). While clearly a talented forward, Horton's absence was noticeable, and veteran coach Dave Loos elected to keep the mercurial freshman on the bench for much of the second half.

Austin Peay's Level 1 crowd (though with Level 3 potential), during Christmas break against a non-conference opponent, was noticeably lacking, particularly in the student department. But two sections of fans packed a punch. The pep band behind the basket provided as many derisive chants as the average student section, repeatedly referring to Lipscomb guard Carter Sanderson (the coach's son) as "Momma's Boy" and chanting "YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT!" during Lipscomb free throws. The nine-year-olds behind the Austin Peay press table even got in on the act -- when Sanderson committed a questionable backcourt foul late in the second half, eliciting arguments from father and son alike, one youngster yelled at Sanderson, "GO KISS YOUR DADDY!"

The pep band and nine-year-olds could not help Peay from the free-throw line. The Governors missed six straight free throws in the final three minutes, allowing Lipscomb to end the second half on a 15-0 run that led to the 87-84 win. The night thus belonged to 6-10 freshman center Stephen Hurt, who finished with career highs in both points (23) and rebounds (18) despite playing the last eight minutes of the second half with four fouls. Lipscomb's twin guards, Malcolm and Martin Smith (from Clarksville), finished 10-for-18 with 31 points and 10 rebounds.

Three more notes about Austin Peay that I can't help but share:

1) Austin Peay's star guard in the mid-70s was James "Fly" Williams, who led the Governors to their first ever NCAA Tournament win in 1973. Austin Peay's chant is still "Let's Go Peay." But in the '70s, it was a little more, um, elaborate:

"The Fly Is Open, LET'S GO PEAY!!!"

2) Lake Kelly, one of the best coaches in Austin Peay history, has his plaque in the AP Hall of Fame. I mention this as a tribute to Flemingsburg, Kentucky, where Kelly coached and where my buddy Zach played both high school football and basketball:


3) When I was in my fraternity at Vanderbilt, we traveled up to Austin Peay one weeknight to observe one of their rituals so that we could learn and ultimately perform it too (a legitimate ritual -- we did many things wrong that ultimately got us kicked off campus, but this wasn't one of them). Upon arriving on campus, we asked a few of the younger gentlemen what the "talent" scene was in Clarksville. Distraught by reality, one of the brothers answered the question as such:

"Every night, it's like going into the desert looking for an oasis.
But most nights, you just end up eating the sand."

(So ... you're hooking up with your brothers? Or jerking it? This metaphor is very ambiguous...)

So despite the apparent shortage of fine females, Nashville's "Belmont Boulevard" teams both came to play for midweek games against formidable but flawed opponents. Lipscomb begins Atlantic Sun play on New Year's Eve (following Thursday's close loss at Memphis) and figures to compete for the conference title if Hurt can keep up the second-chance scoring prowess he exhibited in Clarksville. Belmont begins its first OVC run on January 3rd and should win all but one or two of its conference games. Mark down Belmont @ Murray State, February 7th -- one of the best mid-major matchups of the year. This week, the Boulevard took care of business with the Road to 592 along for the ride.

College basketball count: 12/347; Total count: 41/592

Next One Up

The Road to 592 is off for games during the holidays -- Merry Christmas, everyone! Keep a lookout for next week's edition of the Big Bottom 10 -- otherwise, see you in Nashville on New Year's Eve for Vandy's Music City Bowl trouncing of NC State.

--The Road to 592 is a pipe dream started by a diehard Atlanta fan with a sparse history of truly great sports atmospheres (being Atlanta and all). Read up on my unending pursuit here and check out the full list of venues here. For those sick of conference realignment, you can also relish in another pipe dream of mine -- the 28-team SEC. Follow me on Twitter @andrewhhard.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Your Wife, Sister and Mom's Guide to Picking Bowl Games


By Andrew Hard

I wasn't going to write a column on bowl season. In fact, I'm only going to watch four of these games -- the Music City Bowl, the Fiesta Bowl, the Cotton Bowl, and the Beef O'Brady's Bowl St. Petersburg National Championship Game. But when my sister emailed me this week with a spreadsheet of the games and the subject line, "Do you have any suggestions for me?", I figured I'd think along with her in making some selections.

As a caveat, don't go screaming at me about your wife/sister/mom who's really into football and knows her stuff. I know that such women are out there. But not in my family. And we've all been in the March Madness office pool that's won by the receptionist because she likes VCU's colors and picked them to win it all, or she got dumped by 3 straight Duke grads and picked them to lose in the first round (Lehigh!). If you're in a similar pool with the average, couldn't-give-a-crap-about-sports woman in your bowl office pool this year, she might be thinking along some of these lines:

Sat. 12/15 -- New Mexico Bowl (Nevada v. Arizona) and Famous Idaho Potato Bowl (Toledo v. Utah State)

 

They played these games already??? I must have missed them -- I was at the mall the whole day doing some last-minute holiday shopping!

(Note: to a woman, 10 days before Christmas is beyond "last-minute." I'm pretty sure none of the men reading this column have been to the store yet. This is why we'll pay $14.99 per gift for last-minute online shipping.)

If I had to pick, I'd have gone with Arizona to beat Nevada because that's pretty close to New Mexico, so they won't be as tired after the trip. And I'd pick Utah State to be Toledo because Utah is a state, which means it's much bigger and better than Toledo!

Thu. 12/20 -- San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl,
BYU Cougars v. San Diego State Aztecs

 

Oh my god, it is SO hard to find good poinsettias this year!! I tried to go for the real ones this year, not that fake crap that you can find in the front of the grocery store with all the gross mixed fruit bowls -- seriously, does ANYONE eat honeydew melon?? Eww. I'm not really sure where BYU is, but it's not in San Diego, so they probably won't have as many fans there.

The Pick: San Diego State

Fri. 12/21 -- Beef 'O' Brady's Bowl St. Petersburg,
Ball State Cardinals v. Central Florida Golden Knights

 

The Golden Knights??? Last I checked, knights were made of gray armor, not gold. But either way, they would kick the crap out of cardinals.

The Pick: Central Florida

Sat. 12/22 -- R&L Carriers New Orleans Bowl,
East Carolina Pirates v. Louisiana-Lafayette Ragin' Cajuns

 

When I was in college, my boyfriend dressed up like a pirate for Halloween. He had the Johnny Depp dreads, a hook, and even the fake pirate chest hair to go with it! But he was so busy stabbing people with the sword all night and calling me his "beer wench" that I dumped him and started making out with Peter Pan instead. So I hate pirates (except for Johnny Depp, of course).

The Pick: Louisiana-Lafayette

Sat. 12/22 -- MAACO Bowl Las Vegas,
Washington Huskies v. Boise State Broncos

 

OMG VEYGASSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

Um, which team's players would turn me away from Thunder From Down Under? None, that's who! But if I had to pick, I'd say Washington's boys look better in tight pants -- people from Seattle are really fit and into yoga and ride their bikes everywhere. I don't know what people from Boise do for exercise or if they've even heard of yoga.

The Pick: Washington

Mon. 12/24 -- Sheraton Hawaii Bowl,
Fresno State Bulldogs v. SMU Mustangs

 

I'll be so drunk on eggnog Christmas Eve trying to get away from my creepy Uncle Ben that I won't be watching this game. Seriously, we're not giving you any more money this year so that you can start another emu-petting farm!!! I'm pretty sure that boy's not getting his fingers back from the last emu that bit them off.

The Pick: SMU

Wed. 12/26 -- Little Caesars Bowl,
Western Kentucky Hilltoppers v. Central Michigan Chippewas

 

The Hillto-WHA and the Chippe-HUH??? Seriously, where do they come up with these team names? Kentucky won some kind of championship or something last year, so I'm going with them.

The Pick: Western Kentucky

Thu. 12/27 -- Military Bowl,
San Jose State Spartans v. Bowling Green Falcons

 

Well, if it's the Military Bowl, then clearly the Spartans are a slam dunk, right? I mean, did you SEE Gerard Butler in 300??? How are you ever gonna beat THAT body?

The Pick: San Jose State

Thu. 12/27 -- Belk Bowl,
Cincinnati Bearcats v. Duke Blue Devils

 

My friend Chelsea once dated a Duke guy when she was living in Atlanta -- let's just say that he TOTALLY wouldn't take her to Belk! Eww. She's better than that. He bought her this real fancy pearl necklace from Tiffany's and then the CUTEST Louis Vuitton clutch! I really thought he was the one.

Until he cheated on her and gave her the clap.

The Pick: Cincinnati

Thu. 12/27 -- Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl,
Baylor Bears v. UCLA Bruins

 

Didn't RG3 go to Baylor? He's a great guy, and he looks like he's definitely not the kind of football player that would sleep around or beat his wife or get into any trouble. Plus, I heard he's engaged, so he must be really mature. I wonder how cute she is...

The Pick: Baylor

Fri. 12/28 -- AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl,
Ohio Bobcats v. Louisiana-Monroe Warhawks

 

James Monroe was one of our worst presidents. He was like 5-foot-4 or something really short like that, right? I mean, seriously, what were we thinking? Obama is SO much taller than that -- and much more handsome, too. I don't think we should be celebrating the legacy of someone who was so short.

The Pick: Ohio

Fri. 12/28 -- Russell Athletic Bowl,
Rutgers Scarlet Knights v. Virginia Tech Hokies

 

Okay, seriously what is with all these colorful knights! Pretty soon, we're gonna have a rainbow army of weird golden, scarlet, lime-green, lavender, and who KNOWS what other kind of knights! I don't think that would work really well in battle, do you?

The Pick: Virginia Tech

Fri. 12/28 -- Meineke Car Care Bowl of Texas,
Minnesota Golden Gophers v. Texas Tech Red Raiders

 

WHY ARE ALL THESE TEAMS SO COLORFUL??? Have you ever SEEN a gopher painted gold? What's wrong with just being the "Minnesota Gophers"?

The Pick: Texas Tech

Sat. 12/29 -- Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl,
Rice Owls v. Air Force Falcons

 

Falcons are way more fierce than owls.

The Pick: Air Force

Sat. 12/29 -- New Era Pinstripe Bowl,
West Virginia Mountaineers v. Syracuse Orange

 

There are too many of these damn bowls. Seriously, do you men watch all of these games? I think you have a problem. But at least you don't live in West Virginia. I hear they have blue people there!

The Pick: Syracuse

Sat. 12/29 -- Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl,
Navy Midshipmen v. Arizona State Wildcats

 

Navy guys help people -- so if we're going to fight hunger, we want the best, nicest people to help us, right?

The Pick: Navy

Sat. 12/29 -- Valero Alamo Bowl,
Texas Longhorns v. Oregon State Beavers

 

I don't understand why you men are all obsessed with the word "Beaver." How did this cute little furry hard-working animal become associated so closely with ... down there? It's really an insult to actual beavers, I think. I think we need to leave beavers alone and come up with a new nickname.

The Pick: Oregon State

Sat. 12/29 -- Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl,
TCU Horned Frogs v. Michigan State Spartans

 

I like Buffalo Wild Wings. It's really a lot of fun to sit at a table all day with four sweaty guys, drinking lots of beer, screaming at three TVs at once, and stuffing my face with saucey fried chicken. I can't think of anything else I would rather be doing on a Sunday than constantly sitting there, checking my phone and complaining about Adrian Peterson's "touches" or how Darren Sproles is only worth it in "PPR leagues." In fact, it's so much fun I wish we could do it every Saturday as well, and sometimes Thursdays too!

(Men, if you ever find a lady that actually thinks this way -- hold on to her for dear life)

The pick: Michigan State

Mon. 12/31 -- Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl,
Vanderbilt Commodores v. NC State Wolfpack

 

Last week, I was at the grocery store, and I told the cashier that my son went to Vanderbilt. He starts talking about how he loves Asheville and the Biltmore Estate, yada yada yada. I said no, no, Vanderbilt is in NASHville, not ASHEville. He INSISTED that I was wrong -- why else would the Vanderbilts' Biltmore Estate be in Asheville? Um, maybe because they're rich like me and have houses all over the country, that's how!

(Note: this conversation actually happened between my Mom and a Publix cashier in Alpharetta, GA)

The pick: Vanderbilt

Mon. 12/31 -- Hyundai Sun Bowl,
USC Trojans v. Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

 

Southern California is very sunny. Atlanta is ... also sunny. But not as much?

The Pick: USC

Mon. 12/31 -- AutoZone Liberty Bowl,
Iowa State Cyclones v. Tulsa Golden Hurricane

 

Eww, all I have to say is that I would never go to either of these places. Also, how am I supposed to decide who wins between a cyclone and a hurricane? That's like, the same thing, right?

The pick: Iowa State?

Mon. 12/31 -- Chick-Fil-A Bowl,
LSU Tigers v. Clemson Tigers

 

I bet you a thousand dollars and FOUR Prada purses that the Tigers win this game!

The pick: Tigers

Tue. 1/1 -- Taxslayer.com Gator Bowl,
Mississippi State Bulldogs v. Northwestern Wildcats

 

I almost went to Northwestern, until I actually visited Chicago. Have you been there? It is so FRIGGIN cold! How am I supposed to wear a short skirt, a cute not-slutty-at-all-cleavage-revealing top, and UGG boots in the middle of winter and not freeze to death?? That's why I went to Vanderbilt.

The pick: Mississippi State

Tue. 1/1 -- Heart of Dallas Bowl,
Purdue Boilermakers v. Oklahoma State Cowboys

 

I like cowboys ALMOST as much as I like pirates (Johnny Depp version)...

The pick: Oklahoma State

Tue. 1/1 -- Outback Bowl,
South Carolina Gamecocks v. Michigan Wolverines

 

Okay, South Carolina frat boys, we get it. Your name is COCKS. You wear it on your hats, you shout it through wads of chewing tobacco, and you even make "rooster lollipops." It's not funny anymore! Why don't you just go get together with Oregon State and put your nickname where it belongs!

The pick: Michigan

Tue. 1/1 -- Capital One Bowl,
Georgia Bulldogs v. Nebraska Cornhuskers

 

What's in your wallet? Mine has a Banana Republic Gift Card, my Macy's Star Rewards credit card, $25 off a purchase of $150 or more at Williams Sonoma, 3 Starbucks gift cards that I have NO idea how much is left on them, pictures of each of my four cats -- Whiskers, Fluffy, Niels Bohr and Edward Scissorhands (cause his claws are so sharp, duh) -- my daddy's AMEX for emergencies ...

(Yep, you stopped listening a long time ago)

The pick: Georgia

Tue. 1/1 -- Rose Bowl,
Wisconsin Badgers v. Stanford Cardinal

 

If I'm going to marry a doctor, I know where I'd want him to go to school.

The pick: Stanford

Tue. 1/1 -- Discover Orange Bowl,
Northern Illinois Huskies v. Florida State Seminoles

 

Okay, I've never watch a sports game in my life and even I know that Northern Illinois shouldn't be in a BS ... BCS bowl ... game. Geeeeez.

The pick: Florida State

Wed. 1/2 -- Allstate Sugar Bowl,
Louisville Cardinals v. Florida Gators

 

GO GATA!



(It's too bad the Gatas will be without Corch Irvin Meyers, Tim Tivo, or Percy Harvey for this game)

The pick: Florida

Thu. 1/3 -- Tostitos Fiesta Bowl,
Oregon Ducks v. Kansas State Wildcats

 

I made the BEST guacamole the other day; green --> guacamole --> Tostitos --> Oregon!

The pick: Oregon

Fri. 1/4 -- AT&T Cotton Bowl,
Texas A&M Aggies v. Oklahoma Sooners

 

Seriously, Johnny Football, you gotta go off dancing with a hoe like that?



(checks Heisman photos)



Well, she's definitely not as much of a hoe, but my boobs are WAY better than hers. Right? RIGHT??? TELL ME THEY ARE!!!

The pick: Texas A&M

Sat. 1/5 -- BBVA Compass Bowl,
Pittsburgh Panthers v. Ole Miss Rebels

 

My boyfriend tells me that no one will be watching these next two games because the NFL Playoffs are on. I hope Peyton Manning beats the snot out of his little brother this year -- only because I do NOT want Tom Brady to win. He dumped Bridget WITH HER BABY for that hoe Gisele! Really?!? Peyton is so much better looking than his brother it's not even funny. And not gay.

The pick: Pittsburgh (because Peyton's gay brother went to Ole Miss)

Sun. 1/6 -- GoDaddy.com Bowl,
Kent State Golden Flashes v. Arkansas State Red Wolves

 

That wolf looks like it's wearing eyeliner.

The pick: Kent State

Mon. 1/7 -- Discover BCS National Championship,
Alabama Crimson Tide v. Notre Dame Fighting Irish

 

Need I say more?



(She is b-m-u-d DUMB)

The pick: Alabama


--The Road to 592 is a pipe dream started by a diehard Atlanta fan with a sparse history of truly great sports atmospheres (being Atlanta and all). Read up on my unending pursuit here and check out the full list of venues here. For those sick of conference realignment, you can also relish in another pipe dream of mine -- the 28-team SEC. Follow me on Twitter @andrewhhard.