Your Wife, Sister and Mom's Guide to Picking Bowl Games

By Andrew Hard

I wasn't going to write a column on bowl season. In fact, I'm only going to watch four of these games -- the Music City Bowl, the Fiesta Bowl, the Cotton Bowl, and the Beef O'Brady's Bowl St. Petersburg National Championship Game. But when my sister emailed me this week with a spreadsheet of the games and the subject line, "Do you have any suggestions for me?", I figured I'd think along with her in making some selections.

As a caveat, don't go screaming at me about your wife/sister/mom who's really into football and knows her stuff. I know that such women are out there. But not in my family. And we've all been in the March Madness office pool that's won by the receptionist because she likes VCU's colors and picked them to win it all, or she got dumped by 3 straight Duke grads and picked them to lose in the first round (Lehigh!). If you're in a similar pool with the average, couldn't-give-a-crap-about-sports woman in your bowl office pool this year, she might be thinking along some of these lines:

Sat. 12/15 -- New Mexico Bowl (Nevada v. Arizona) and Famous Idaho Potato Bowl (Toledo v. Utah State)

 

They played these games already??? I must have missed them -- I was at the mall the whole day doing some last-minute holiday shopping!

(Note: to a woman, 10 days before Christmas is beyond "last-minute." I'm pretty sure none of the men reading this column have been to the store yet. This is why we'll pay $14.99 per gift for last-minute online shipping.)

If I had to pick, I'd have gone with Arizona to beat Nevada because that's pretty close to New Mexico, so they won't be as tired after the trip. And I'd pick Utah State to be Toledo because Utah is a state, which means it's much bigger and better than Toledo!

Thu. 12/20 -- San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl,
BYU Cougars v. San Diego State Aztecs

 

Oh my god, it is SO hard to find good poinsettias this year!! I tried to go for the real ones this year, not that fake crap that you can find in the front of the grocery store with all the gross mixed fruit bowls -- seriously, does ANYONE eat honeydew melon?? Eww. I'm not really sure where BYU is, but it's not in San Diego, so they probably won't have as many fans there.

The Pick: San Diego State

Fri. 12/21 -- Beef 'O' Brady's Bowl St. Petersburg,
Ball State Cardinals v. Central Florida Golden Knights

 

The Golden Knights??? Last I checked, knights were made of gray armor, not gold. But either way, they would kick the crap out of cardinals.

The Pick: Central Florida

Sat. 12/22 -- R&L Carriers New Orleans Bowl,
East Carolina Pirates v. Louisiana-Lafayette Ragin' Cajuns

 

When I was in college, my boyfriend dressed up like a pirate for Halloween. He had the Johnny Depp dreads, a hook, and even the fake pirate chest hair to go with it! But he was so busy stabbing people with the sword all night and calling me his "beer wench" that I dumped him and started making out with Peter Pan instead. So I hate pirates (except for Johnny Depp, of course).

The Pick: Louisiana-Lafayette

Sat. 12/22 -- MAACO Bowl Las Vegas,
Washington Huskies v. Boise State Broncos

 

OMG VEYGASSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

Um, which team's players would turn me away from Thunder From Down Under? None, that's who! But if I had to pick, I'd say Washington's boys look better in tight pants -- people from Seattle are really fit and into yoga and ride their bikes everywhere. I don't know what people from Boise do for exercise or if they've even heard of yoga.

The Pick: Washington

Mon. 12/24 -- Sheraton Hawaii Bowl,
Fresno State Bulldogs v. SMU Mustangs

 

I'll be so drunk on eggnog Christmas Eve trying to get away from my creepy Uncle Ben that I won't be watching this game. Seriously, we're not giving you any more money this year so that you can start another emu-petting farm!!! I'm pretty sure that boy's not getting his fingers back from the last emu that bit them off.

The Pick: SMU

Wed. 12/26 -- Little Caesars Bowl,
Western Kentucky Hilltoppers v. Central Michigan Chippewas

 

The Hillto-WHA and the Chippe-HUH??? Seriously, where do they come up with these team names? Kentucky won some kind of championship or something last year, so I'm going with them.

The Pick: Western Kentucky

Thu. 12/27 -- Military Bowl,
San Jose State Spartans v. Bowling Green Falcons

 

Well, if it's the Military Bowl, then clearly the Spartans are a slam dunk, right? I mean, did you SEE Gerard Butler in 300??? How are you ever gonna beat THAT body?

The Pick: San Jose State

Thu. 12/27 -- Belk Bowl,
Cincinnati Bearcats v. Duke Blue Devils

 

My friend Chelsea once dated a Duke guy when she was living in Atlanta -- let's just say that he TOTALLY wouldn't take her to Belk! Eww. She's better than that. He bought her this real fancy pearl necklace from Tiffany's and then the CUTEST Louis Vuitton clutch! I really thought he was the one.

Until he cheated on her and gave her the clap.

The Pick: Cincinnati

Thu. 12/27 -- Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl,
Baylor Bears v. UCLA Bruins

 

Didn't RG3 go to Baylor? He's a great guy, and he looks like he's definitely not the kind of football player that would sleep around or beat his wife or get into any trouble. Plus, I heard he's engaged, so he must be really mature. I wonder how cute she is...

The Pick: Baylor

Fri. 12/28 -- AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl,
Ohio Bobcats v. Louisiana-Monroe Warhawks

 

James Monroe was one of our worst presidents. He was like 5-foot-4 or something really short like that, right? I mean, seriously, what were we thinking? Obama is SO much taller than that -- and much more handsome, too. I don't think we should be celebrating the legacy of someone who was so short.

The Pick: Ohio

Fri. 12/28 -- Russell Athletic Bowl,
Rutgers Scarlet Knights v. Virginia Tech Hokies

 

Okay, seriously what is with all these colorful knights! Pretty soon, we're gonna have a rainbow army of weird golden, scarlet, lime-green, lavender, and who KNOWS what other kind of knights! I don't think that would work really well in battle, do you?

The Pick: Virginia Tech

Fri. 12/28 -- Meineke Car Care Bowl of Texas,
Minnesota Golden Gophers v. Texas Tech Red Raiders

 

WHY ARE ALL THESE TEAMS SO COLORFUL??? Have you ever SEEN a gopher painted gold? What's wrong with just being the "Minnesota Gophers"?

The Pick: Texas Tech

Sat. 12/29 -- Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl,
Rice Owls v. Air Force Falcons

 

Falcons are way more fierce than owls.

The Pick: Air Force

Sat. 12/29 -- New Era Pinstripe Bowl,
West Virginia Mountaineers v. Syracuse Orange

 

There are too many of these damn bowls. Seriously, do you men watch all of these games? I think you have a problem. But at least you don't live in West Virginia. I hear they have blue people there!

The Pick: Syracuse

Sat. 12/29 -- Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl,
Navy Midshipmen v. Arizona State Wildcats

 

Navy guys help people -- so if we're going to fight hunger, we want the best, nicest people to help us, right?

The Pick: Navy

Sat. 12/29 -- Valero Alamo Bowl,
Texas Longhorns v. Oregon State Beavers

 

I don't understand why you men are all obsessed with the word "Beaver." How did this cute little furry hard-working animal become associated so closely with ... down there? It's really an insult to actual beavers, I think. I think we need to leave beavers alone and come up with a new nickname.

The Pick: Oregon State

Sat. 12/29 -- Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl,
TCU Horned Frogs v. Michigan State Spartans

 

I like Buffalo Wild Wings. It's really a lot of fun to sit at a table all day with four sweaty guys, drinking lots of beer, screaming at three TVs at once, and stuffing my face with saucey fried chicken. I can't think of anything else I would rather be doing on a Sunday than constantly sitting there, checking my phone and complaining about Adrian Peterson's "touches" or how Darren Sproles is only worth it in "PPR leagues." In fact, it's so much fun I wish we could do it every Saturday as well, and sometimes Thursdays too!

(Men, if you ever find a lady that actually thinks this way -- hold on to her for dear life)

The pick: Michigan State

Mon. 12/31 -- Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl,
Vanderbilt Commodores v. NC State Wolfpack

 

Last week, I was at the grocery store, and I told the cashier that my son went to Vanderbilt. He starts talking about how he loves Asheville and the Biltmore Estate, yada yada yada. I said no, no, Vanderbilt is in NASHville, not ASHEville. He INSISTED that I was wrong -- why else would the Vanderbilts' Biltmore Estate be in Asheville? Um, maybe because they're rich like me and have houses all over the country, that's how!

(Note: this conversation actually happened between my Mom and a Publix cashier in Alpharetta, GA)

The pick: Vanderbilt

Mon. 12/31 -- Hyundai Sun Bowl,
USC Trojans v. Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

 

Southern California is very sunny. Atlanta is ... also sunny. But not as much?

The Pick: USC

Mon. 12/31 -- AutoZone Liberty Bowl,
Iowa State Cyclones v. Tulsa Golden Hurricane

 

Eww, all I have to say is that I would never go to either of these places. Also, how am I supposed to decide who wins between a cyclone and a hurricane? That's like, the same thing, right?

The pick: Iowa State?

Mon. 12/31 -- Chick-Fil-A Bowl,
LSU Tigers v. Clemson Tigers

 

I bet you a thousand dollars and FOUR Prada purses that the Tigers win this game!

The pick: Tigers

Tue. 1/1 -- Taxslayer.com Gator Bowl,
Mississippi State Bulldogs v. Northwestern Wildcats

 

I almost went to Northwestern, until I actually visited Chicago. Have you been there? It is so FRIGGIN cold! How am I supposed to wear a short skirt, a cute not-slutty-at-all-cleavage-revealing top, and UGG boots in the middle of winter and not freeze to death?? That's why I went to Vanderbilt.

The pick: Mississippi State

Tue. 1/1 -- Heart of Dallas Bowl,
Purdue Boilermakers v. Oklahoma State Cowboys

 

I like cowboys ALMOST as much as I like pirates (Johnny Depp version)...

The pick: Oklahoma State

Tue. 1/1 -- Outback Bowl,
South Carolina Gamecocks v. Michigan Wolverines

 

Okay, South Carolina frat boys, we get it. Your name is COCKS. You wear it on your hats, you shout it through wads of chewing tobacco, and you even make "rooster lollipops." It's not funny anymore! Why don't you just go get together with Oregon State and put your nickname where it belongs!

The pick: Michigan

Tue. 1/1 -- Capital One Bowl,
Georgia Bulldogs v. Nebraska Cornhuskers

 

What's in your wallet? Mine has a Banana Republic Gift Card, my Macy's Star Rewards credit card, $25 off a purchase of $150 or more at Williams Sonoma, 3 Starbucks gift cards that I have NO idea how much is left on them, pictures of each of my four cats -- Whiskers, Fluffy, Niels Bohr and Edward Scissorhands (cause his claws are so sharp, duh) -- my daddy's AMEX for emergencies ...

(Yep, you stopped listening a long time ago)

The pick: Georgia

Tue. 1/1 -- Rose Bowl,
Wisconsin Badgers v. Stanford Cardinal

 

If I'm going to marry a doctor, I know where I'd want him to go to school.

The pick: Stanford

Tue. 1/1 -- Discover Orange Bowl,
Northern Illinois Huskies v. Florida State Seminoles

 

Okay, I've never watch a sports game in my life and even I know that Northern Illinois shouldn't be in a BS ... BCS bowl ... game. Geeeeez.

The pick: Florida State

Wed. 1/2 -- Allstate Sugar Bowl,
Louisville Cardinals v. Florida Gators

 

GO GATA!



(It's too bad the Gatas will be without Corch Irvin Meyers, Tim Tivo, or Percy Harvey for this game)

The pick: Florida

Thu. 1/3 -- Tostitos Fiesta Bowl,
Oregon Ducks v. Kansas State Wildcats

 

I made the BEST guacamole the other day; green --> guacamole --> Tostitos --> Oregon!

The pick: Oregon

Fri. 1/4 -- AT&T Cotton Bowl,
Texas A&M Aggies v. Oklahoma Sooners

 

Seriously, Johnny Football, you gotta go off dancing with a hoe like that?



(checks Heisman photos)



Well, she's definitely not as much of a hoe, but my boobs are WAY better than hers. Right? RIGHT??? TELL ME THEY ARE!!!

The pick: Texas A&M

Sat. 1/5 -- BBVA Compass Bowl,
Pittsburgh Panthers v. Ole Miss Rebels

 

My boyfriend tells me that no one will be watching these next two games because the NFL Playoffs are on. I hope Peyton Manning beats the snot out of his little brother this year -- only because I do NOT want Tom Brady to win. He dumped Bridget WITH HER BABY for that hoe Gisele! Really?!? Peyton is so much better looking than his brother it's not even funny. And not gay.

The pick: Pittsburgh (because Peyton's gay brother went to Ole Miss)

Sun. 1/6 -- GoDaddy.com Bowl,
Kent State Golden Flashes v. Arkansas State Red Wolves

 

That wolf looks like it's wearing eyeliner.

The pick: Kent State

Mon. 1/7 -- Discover BCS National Championship,
Alabama Crimson Tide v. Notre Dame Fighting Irish

 

Need I say more?



(She is b-m-u-d DUMB)

The pick: Alabama


--The Road to 592 is a pipe dream started by a diehard Atlanta fan with a sparse history of truly great sports atmospheres (being Atlanta and all). Read up on my unending pursuit here and check out the full list of venues here. For those sick of conference realignment, you can also relish in another pipe dream of mine -- the 28-team SEC. Follow me on Twitter @andrewhhard.